Dealing with grief and lost and angry 

I lost my father three month ago and he got sick and past away in a week. He end up being in coma for over a week and died from organ failure. He was just turn 76 and he could have live long, if he had gonna the flu shot, he refuse to get the shot and he die. Ironically he would praise doctors for making medicine and treatment, to save people lives. He was thick in the head and was a pain in the ass.He grew up in the northeast and one of the sons of  Italian immigrants. He would lost his father, when he was ten years old. He and his brothers and one sister would grow up and become successful Americans. They would grow up in project area, only to get out and live in New England small town. He would become a engineer and he would get marry to my Mum and have three children with her. All would grow up and be good human beings with some issues. 

My father had nasty side and he made many of my years very shitty and scary. He would act up and cause problems, when they were not necessary he would resent that I was born with learning disability and become physical disable as I got older. He would knock and be little me, even when I was mock and be little in public school. He would use violence when it suite his needs. However, he use words that would sting and never go away. He would tell me what a disappointment and failure. He could never except that I was different and I was more of thinking man then him. He would tell, I have read more books then he had in a life time. 

He said I was waste of space and my mother should have abort me. He would try to smash a chair into my bad Legg he would try to get into fist fights with me. He also, drove me to all my appointments and even drove me to school and came to visit, so my mom could see me, even those he resent it. I think possible, it was very hard for him to drive and he never told us.He tried to teach us baseball and other sports he grow up playing. He was very poor as child and he would only get fruits as gifts. He would go snow slaying with us down Steephill. He play stage court and throw snow balls at us. He loved to go fishing and swimming in ocean. He said he was happiness when he was on his boat, but in all the years I knew him, he never own a boat. He Also took care of my mother as she battle cancer twice and he was with her for 41.5 years. He kept his vows and never cheat on my mum. Those he treated her like a maiden. He was there for her and me and my brothers. He was A difficult man and son of a bitch. Now you would think I would not miss him and to be honest I has been nicer home without him. But, his present is gone and I miss him. I took him for granted and I never really told him how grateful I was his care. He was my father and I will miss him. Now grief is bitch, you never know how it coming. There moments where I am glad he is gone and like nights like this. I cry and morn over him. He made me feel worthless and I just wanted to escape him. I did not want to see him died and yet I feel so bad. Some will say closure come, but I think that lost never fully goes away. He was part of my past and he was big part of it. 

He was my father and I will miss. I am sorry, I never got to tell him, how much he had done for me. We would fight and argue we could have do much more time together yet we would only fight and argue about stupid stuff. I just feel as,if I could have possible help to cause his death, because he took me to Hotspital and then he got sick. We argue because when he drove me, he forgot the direction and the cell phone. He was yelling and cursing at me. He tried to kick me out of the car in the rain. He got me do up set before interview I guess came off nasty to the interviewers. However, they had such power over my fate and they deny me. I was so mad at him and we curse and argue with each other. I told him, that I hated him and wish he died. Not very kind things to say to anyone, but your father. I just feel terribly guilty. God forgive me and I hope he is at peace. He was not church going man and he had not been to church in years. He claimed to believe in God, but on his own terms. He claimed that how do you know the Bible is real? We did not agree on this and fight many times over this. He was a good don and husband and father. I hope he is able to get into heaven. But, he never gave his life fully over to Jesus or even to concept of God it seem. He would watch westerns and ball games, he used the Lord name in vain, he would watch porn on the computer to my mother horror. He was a son of bitch, but he was our son of bitch. Rest in peace old man, maybe we see each other again. 

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